i have been having dreams and visions recently. i never used to. in them you are always standing there. but never beside me. when i reach out to take your hand you disappear. it leaves me with a feeling of emptiness. sometimes i wake up with a sense of rejection. my greatest fear at my door. knocking. in these dreams you are beaming with light. like the moon. its rays breaking through the cloudy winter sky. your light breaking through my defenses. it leaves me feeling exposed and naked. everybody else fades in comparison. nobody has that effect. but you. i once believed in trust and love. i believed in happy endings. but my fate has taken me elsewhere. to a land with realities of pain and fear. a place where communication happens in a different dimension. it scares me. it is unfimiliar territory. i feel useless. but i have pledged long ago. that i will not give up that easily. even though in the face of adversities and struggle i cant let it go without a fight. i dont want to. the fight is mine. mine alone. it is a battle i enter for honor. to regain what i have lost. to regain the life i was living. i try not to think of myself. but of a greater union. something sacred and holy. that will restore my joy. that will replace my disappointment. to fill the void of shame and guilt with virtues like passion and contentment. to be a witness. to reveal the real me. a heart devoted once again.
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