on the hill

i prefer to spend my sunday mornings in northern london. if the weather allows me to. i enjoy the journey across town to a spot called primrose hill. the quiet and the tranquility draws me. the park and the view over the city leaves me in a state of nothingness. weightless. thoughtless. motionless. i enjoy watching the people walking. some of them jogging. others just enjoying the fresh morning. most trying to run away from a reality to grim to face. their faces tell the story. as mothers and trouble husbands keep rushing past me. as i sit on my favourite bench. watching the jamaican man teaching the kids football. and observing the soccer mommies in their track suites and trainers. the old man with his dog chasing the pigeons. the pregnant girlies and the mothers with their push trolleys. the buzz in the park is a sight to see. and as i sit there with another tony parsons novel i close my eyes and imagine what life could be like.
on the hill is where i find a bit of myself everytime. i stand there and absorb. there is a certain sense of belonging that stirs in me. not this place. but somewhere. i know that now. sometimes life takes you on a unscheduled detour. at the beginning it makes no sense. you fight. you kick and scream. your stubbornness like a dull pain in your chest. where your heart is suppose to be. you want to run in the opposite direction. but a still samll voice inside tells you to keep going. to follow down the long and dark path that feels completely wrong. but somehow you know the wrong is right. and i sense that on the hill. where my mind meets another part of reality as we know it. i wish i could be more specific. but i cant.
the rest is a blur. the feelings. the thoughts. all of it a blur...all slowed down to a blur.

is man an island or not?

they always say no man is an island. i find that interesting. and under normal circumstances i guess i would agree. but today i feel like being difficult and arguing against this stupid statement. cos for too long men have been boxed. placed. painted. cornered. blamed. being selfish. being arrogant. playing around. not being truthful. not being commited. and the reason why is simple. because they are fighting so hard against a identity that they have been given by a corrupt and perverse society. squeezed from every side to be somebody. to act like another. to become something he was never destined to be by a creator. man has lost his identity. man has been given the wrong end of the stick. how i would love to see men around me come to their own. to become the men they have been called to be. men that will change nations. shape worlds. be husbands and fathers. men that will stand up and stop the rot. men that will say no to the pressures and confusion of the world. men that will be proud to be different. men that will not feel stupid or guilty because they are right. real men. is man and island or not. if yes. it is because you placed him there. if no. let the man be to live out his own identity.

a bit or perspective

i realise sometimes it feels as if there is nothing to write about. only because there is so much to write about. i realise that i often get lost in my own thoughts and emotions. i guess to most people than seems weird. but to me it is normal. to me it and everyday thing.

since i have come to london i have been flying under the radar. there is a specific reason for that. and that is because i want to feel what it feels like just to disappear. to be a ghost. moving away from the norm and ditching the ordinary and fimiliar. and. it feels great. i realised that it is the best way to come to know who really cares. the rest of them are just in it for the ride. for selfish gain. and to be honest. i am sick and tired of people wanting to suck you dry only because they live such uninspired lives. shame on them. get up. get out. and get a life...

so what have i been doing the last couple of weeks and months. i have been strolling the streets and parks of london. talking to myself. sharing my own thoughts with nobody but myself. and loving every moment of it. no wonder people dont understand when i open my mouth to speak. but the fact of the matter is this. i have never felt so inspired and excited about the future. it is as if the city walls are speaking to me. they are whispering small and subtle truths about what lies ahead. the great unknown of tomorrow...

rage on

this heart of mine is yours to keep. i will wear it up out on my sleeve. you can use it anytime you please. and these words of comfort. they are pillows of peace to rest your head on. get some sleep. and you wide awake from the suffering. mama always said i got to use this gift. got to give all i got. till i have nothing left to give. see that’s the point of living. so here goes nothing. cos there is nothing to lose. i’m gonna give all i got. it’s different shades of blue. and i will never stop the music or the singing. so i will rage on. cos today i’m here and tomorrow i’m gone. and i will never see you coming. i’m gonna rage on. and i pray for your heart to stay warm in the cold. even when it aches with longing. my world has been shattered. it’s your head that cracked it. this dream is now a nightmare. tell me how i am gonna fix this if our road is now a dead end. still can’t believe you have been taken. god knows you were my best friend. and i know you were a god sent. but come out. come out. wherever you are. surprise me with a kiss or a knock on the door. cos i will forever be waiting for something. you can hug my dreams every night. you can tell me stories of your brand new life. and i will never stop the music or the singing. so i will rage on. cos today i’m here and tomorrow i’m gone. and i will never see you coming. i’m gonna rage on. and i pray for your heart to stay warm in the cold. even when it aches with longing.

my top 20 (so far)

(in alphabetical order)

Amarone 2005 (Santi) - ITA
Billecart-Salmon NV Rose - CHA
Bollinger Grande Annee Magnum 1988 - CHA
Bourgueil Cab franc 1928 - FRA
Brunello di Montalcino 2000 (Banfi) - ITA
Champagne Jean Vesselle Cuvee Prestige 1991 Magnum - CHA
Cheval blanc 2005 - FRA
Cristal 1988 - CHA
Desiderius 2001 - SA
Domaine Henri Naudin-Ferrand, Echezeaux Grand Cru 2006 - FRA
Domaine Montcalmes 2004 - FRA
Don Ruinart 1995 - CHA
Henri Bourgeois Sancerre 1997 - FRA
Krug 1979 - CHA
Marcel Deiss (Alsace) - FRA
Mas la Plana 1998 (Torres) - ESP
Rozes 40 year old port (Douro) - POR
Steenberg Catherina 2003 - SA
Steenberg Sauvignon blanc Reserve 2003 - SA
Vega Sicilia 1994 - ESP

lonely road

i walk a lonely road. the only one that i have always known. do not know where it goes. but it is home to me and i walk alone. i walk these empty streets. where the city sleeps. i am the only one and I walk alone. my shadow is the only one that walks beside me. my heart is the only thing that is beating. i am walking down the line. it brings a division somewhere in my mind. it is somewhere on the border line. it is close to the edge. it is where i walk alone. i try to read between the lines. i check all my vital signs. to know if i am still alive. sometimes i wish someone out there will find me. till then i will be alone.

he speaks

how do you get moved. touched. even “disturbed” in your inner man. but the fact of the matter is this. i woke up the morning. in a haze for most of the day. songs and emotions playing through my mind. then only after a brief moment of contemplation it dawned on me. this thing that was putting me in a spin.
RAW PASSION.

REALITY.

LIFE.

LIVING.

FUN.

JOY.

LAUGHING.
she just beams. it is evident. she loves what she is doing. the passion with which she does it is phenomenal. the energy. the vibe. unquenchable. everything she does is LOADED with EMOTION. i can relate. people that live with passion. in happiness. loving. living. every moment. not forgetting the pain. the hurt. feeding off experiences. transforming it into something. it helps others to find answers. questions they did not even knew they had. he can speak to me in the heat of the battle. in the mist of the all the “wrong”. fill me with compassion for the people crying out . cos it is all around us. get stirred in the deepest parts. for the lost and hurt. seeking but not finding. to be accepted. searching for a sense of belonging. the void that they want to fill. right there. then i ask the question. how many others are there out there. the same void. the same longing. the same desire. to belong. my heart breaks. i cringe back into my seat. my foot tapping on the beat.
i know it sounds silly, but that’s the way he speaks to me...