on the hill

i prefer to spend my sunday mornings in northern london. if the weather allows me to. i enjoy the journey across town to a spot called primrose hill. the quiet and the tranquility draws me. the park and the view over the city leaves me in a state of nothingness. weightless. thoughtless. motionless. i enjoy watching the people walking. some of them jogging. others just enjoying the fresh morning. most trying to run away from a reality to grim to face. their faces tell the story. as mothers and trouble husbands keep rushing past me. as i sit on my favourite bench. watching the jamaican man teaching the kids football. and observing the soccer mommies in their track suites and trainers. the old man with his dog chasing the pigeons. the pregnant girlies and the mothers with their push trolleys. the buzz in the park is a sight to see. and as i sit there with another tony parsons novel i close my eyes and imagine what life could be like.
on the hill is where i find a bit of myself everytime. i stand there and absorb. there is a certain sense of belonging that stirs in me. not this place. but somewhere. i know that now. sometimes life takes you on a unscheduled detour. at the beginning it makes no sense. you fight. you kick and scream. your stubbornness like a dull pain in your chest. where your heart is suppose to be. you want to run in the opposite direction. but a still samll voice inside tells you to keep going. to follow down the long and dark path that feels completely wrong. but somehow you know the wrong is right. and i sense that on the hill. where my mind meets another part of reality as we know it. i wish i could be more specific. but i cant.
the rest is a blur. the feelings. the thoughts. all of it a blur...all slowed down to a blur.

is man an island or not?

they always say no man is an island. i find that interesting. and under normal circumstances i guess i would agree. but today i feel like being difficult and arguing against this stupid statement. cos for too long men have been boxed. placed. painted. cornered. blamed. being selfish. being arrogant. playing around. not being truthful. not being commited. and the reason why is simple. because they are fighting so hard against a identity that they have been given by a corrupt and perverse society. squeezed from every side to be somebody. to act like another. to become something he was never destined to be by a creator. man has lost his identity. man has been given the wrong end of the stick. how i would love to see men around me come to their own. to become the men they have been called to be. men that will change nations. shape worlds. be husbands and fathers. men that will stand up and stop the rot. men that will say no to the pressures and confusion of the world. men that will be proud to be different. men that will not feel stupid or guilty because they are right. real men. is man and island or not. if yes. it is because you placed him there. if no. let the man be to live out his own identity.

a bit or perspective

i realise sometimes it feels as if there is nothing to write about. only because there is so much to write about. i realise that i often get lost in my own thoughts and emotions. i guess to most people than seems weird. but to me it is normal. to me it and everyday thing.

since i have come to london i have been flying under the radar. there is a specific reason for that. and that is because i want to feel what it feels like just to disappear. to be a ghost. moving away from the norm and ditching the ordinary and fimiliar. and. it feels great. i realised that it is the best way to come to know who really cares. the rest of them are just in it for the ride. for selfish gain. and to be honest. i am sick and tired of people wanting to suck you dry only because they live such uninspired lives. shame on them. get up. get out. and get a life...

so what have i been doing the last couple of weeks and months. i have been strolling the streets and parks of london. talking to myself. sharing my own thoughts with nobody but myself. and loving every moment of it. no wonder people dont understand when i open my mouth to speak. but the fact of the matter is this. i have never felt so inspired and excited about the future. it is as if the city walls are speaking to me. they are whispering small and subtle truths about what lies ahead. the great unknown of tomorrow...

rage on

this heart of mine is yours to keep. i will wear it up out on my sleeve. you can use it anytime you please. and these words of comfort. they are pillows of peace to rest your head on. get some sleep. and you wide awake from the suffering. mama always said i got to use this gift. got to give all i got. till i have nothing left to give. see that’s the point of living. so here goes nothing. cos there is nothing to lose. i’m gonna give all i got. it’s different shades of blue. and i will never stop the music or the singing. so i will rage on. cos today i’m here and tomorrow i’m gone. and i will never see you coming. i’m gonna rage on. and i pray for your heart to stay warm in the cold. even when it aches with longing. my world has been shattered. it’s your head that cracked it. this dream is now a nightmare. tell me how i am gonna fix this if our road is now a dead end. still can’t believe you have been taken. god knows you were my best friend. and i know you were a god sent. but come out. come out. wherever you are. surprise me with a kiss or a knock on the door. cos i will forever be waiting for something. you can hug my dreams every night. you can tell me stories of your brand new life. and i will never stop the music or the singing. so i will rage on. cos today i’m here and tomorrow i’m gone. and i will never see you coming. i’m gonna rage on. and i pray for your heart to stay warm in the cold. even when it aches with longing.

my top 20 (so far)

(in alphabetical order)

Amarone 2005 (Santi) - ITA
Billecart-Salmon NV Rose - CHA
Bollinger Grande Annee Magnum 1988 - CHA
Bourgueil Cab franc 1928 - FRA
Brunello di Montalcino 2000 (Banfi) - ITA
Champagne Jean Vesselle Cuvee Prestige 1991 Magnum - CHA
Cheval blanc 2005 - FRA
Cristal 1988 - CHA
Desiderius 2001 - SA
Domaine Henri Naudin-Ferrand, Echezeaux Grand Cru 2006 - FRA
Domaine Montcalmes 2004 - FRA
Don Ruinart 1995 - CHA
Henri Bourgeois Sancerre 1997 - FRA
Krug 1979 - CHA
Marcel Deiss (Alsace) - FRA
Mas la Plana 1998 (Torres) - ESP
Rozes 40 year old port (Douro) - POR
Steenberg Catherina 2003 - SA
Steenberg Sauvignon blanc Reserve 2003 - SA
Vega Sicilia 1994 - ESP

lonely road

i walk a lonely road. the only one that i have always known. do not know where it goes. but it is home to me and i walk alone. i walk these empty streets. where the city sleeps. i am the only one and I walk alone. my shadow is the only one that walks beside me. my heart is the only thing that is beating. i am walking down the line. it brings a division somewhere in my mind. it is somewhere on the border line. it is close to the edge. it is where i walk alone. i try to read between the lines. i check all my vital signs. to know if i am still alive. sometimes i wish someone out there will find me. till then i will be alone.

he speaks

how do you get moved. touched. even “disturbed” in your inner man. but the fact of the matter is this. i woke up the morning. in a haze for most of the day. songs and emotions playing through my mind. then only after a brief moment of contemplation it dawned on me. this thing that was putting me in a spin.
RAW PASSION.

REALITY.

LIFE.

LIVING.

FUN.

JOY.

LAUGHING.
she just beams. it is evident. she loves what she is doing. the passion with which she does it is phenomenal. the energy. the vibe. unquenchable. everything she does is LOADED with EMOTION. i can relate. people that live with passion. in happiness. loving. living. every moment. not forgetting the pain. the hurt. feeding off experiences. transforming it into something. it helps others to find answers. questions they did not even knew they had. he can speak to me in the heat of the battle. in the mist of the all the “wrong”. fill me with compassion for the people crying out . cos it is all around us. get stirred in the deepest parts. for the lost and hurt. seeking but not finding. to be accepted. searching for a sense of belonging. the void that they want to fill. right there. then i ask the question. how many others are there out there. the same void. the same longing. the same desire. to belong. my heart breaks. i cringe back into my seat. my foot tapping on the beat.
i know it sounds silly, but that’s the way he speaks to me...

glitter in the air

closed your eyes and trusted. just trusted.have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air? have you ever looked fear in the face and said i just don’t care. it’s only half past the point of no return. the tip of the iceberg. the sun before the burn. the thunder before lightning. the breathe before the phrase. have you ever felt this way? have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?you’re whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone. have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry? have you ever invited a stranger to come inside? it’s only half past the point of oblivion. the hourglass on the table. the walk before the run. the breathe before the kiss.and the fear before the flames. have you ever felt this way. there you are. sitting in the garden. clutching my coffee. calling me sugar. you called me sugar. have you ever wished for an endless night. lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight. have you ever held your breathe and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight? tonight.

P!NKed

i went to watch the most incredible show combining music, art, acrobatics and entertainment EVER.

chasing cars

We'll do it all

Everything
On our own

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

Those three words

I said too much

They're not enough

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can seeI don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world

eternal sunset

i wanna freeze the moment that i lived that day

the sun was dawning over the sea, it was early may

it was a magical sunset in a beautiful place

it was the sign of the world, we often forget

a big crowd in silence, although confused

while the orange colours are left behind the blues

they buried their feet, they raised their hands

they started to bath their fears in golden rays

when they say good bye,

falling from the sky,

i don’t know what to do

cause then comes the night

and peace drowns in fright

take me down with you

to the land of eternal sunset

i really got surprised by this serenity

with that strong communion and affinity

suddenly we were brothers, smiling to the unknown

sharing with each other and even with our own

no-one has the sole right, it’s our father's sun

loving mother earth and us, one by one

taken by the beauty of his paradise

that we could see more often with open eyes

then you say good bye,

falling from the sky,

i don’t know what to do

cause then comes the night

and our peace drowns in fright

take me down with you

to the land of eternal sunset

yesterday

i smile to myself. it is funny. you love something and then one day it is suddenly gone. taken. changed. lost forever. but somehow that does not stop you from loving. perhaps that is a sure indication of the thing you loved was real. when it does not come with conditions or get-out clauses. when there are no sell-by or best-before dates stamped on it. when you just give your love. no holding back. no fear of losing it. and you never stop to give. you know you never will. that is when it is real. that is when nothing and nobody can touch it or spoil it. when nobody can take it anyway from you cos it is apart of you. who you are. who you will forever be. some say that it does not last. they say or accuse you of day dreaming or not being in touch with reality. they tell you to move on. to rebuild and start again. they tell you that you have to decide. to live here or back there. but i think they are wrong. they are all wrong. cos this is reality. not living with the ghosts of yesterday. but also not forgeting yesterday. the yesterdays. cos tomorrow today will be yesterday.

garden royal - living

zoe girl

the landing at the top of the stairs

the stairs going down into the living room

this is what my bed looks like when i have made it...

breakfast...the two bottom shelves are reserved for bubbly....OFF COURSE! what else would you expect?

garden royal - on the inside

the bathroom

my room

wall of rememberance

the kitchen

the living room

garden royal - off the top

jose palmer on the roof

the way onto the roof

my golf partner and friend getting a taste of teh good life at garden royal

jose palmer, mr heidsieck and me

garden royal - roof top

the sunset in london

counting jets overhead

two very good friends....mr lanson and miss jose palmer

enjoying the sun and the company

jose palmer

garden royal - london

garden on the side

front enterance

garden at the back

the city in the distance

a view from our roof top