break the silence

You in the dark

You in the pain

You on the run

Living a hell

Living your ghost

Living your end

Never seem to get in the place that I belong

Dont wanna lose the time

Lose the time to come

Whatever you say its alright

Whatever you do its all good

Whatever you say its alright

Silence is not the way

We need to talk about it

If heaven is on the way

If heaven is on the way

You in the sea

On a decline

Breaking the waves

Watching the lights go down

Letting the cables sleep

Whatever you say its alright

Whatever you do its all good

Whatever you say its alright

Silence is not the way

We need to talk about it

If heaven is on the way

Well wrap the world around it

If heaven is on the way

Im a stranger in this town

slow it down to a blur

sabotage is a deliberate action aimed at weakening an enemy, oppressor or employer through subversion, obstruction, disruption, and/or destruction. sabotage also means to trick or misguide. it is a french term that originate back to the industrial revolution when working class people from rural france would throw their wooden shoes into the machinery to show their disapproval to the authorities...all according to wikipedia.

lately i have come up with the notion that there might exist something such as self-sabotage.or the enemy within. people often refer to themselves as their own worst enemy. but who in their right mind will fight against themselves? so i asked myself this question over and over till i got to a point where it started to dawn on me...

i think this self-sabotage happens because of different reasons. some are: we are not honest with ourselves; we don't really know what we want; we don't really know where we are going; and so on...it's a situation where you look back at something you have done and you stand mystsified by your own actions. why in heavens name did i do that - you ask yourself. but to me more importantly is what happens after these incidents. how do you respond...and that to me is the telling point.

cos if it is sabotage it will de-rail you; misguide you or send you on a different path - which is not necessarily the right way to go. but you start doubting your own actions and decicions; you hesitate and you stumble; you become indecisive and confused; things that used to be arbitrary becomes a mountain to scale; you loose focus and become short-sighted; you reasoning chancges and you compromise youself...in other words your own actions becomes a stumbling block in the road. but more on an emotional and spiritual level than anything else.

how do you get yourself out of this mess? getting the simple and small things right. breaking things down to a slow halt and taking one step at a time. in sport there is a phrase: slow it down to a blur...thus don't get ahead of yourself. everything on its time and in its place.

i don't remember

i watch the western sky

the sun is sinking

the geese are flying south

it sets me thinking

i did not miss you much

i did not suffer

what did not kill me

just made me tougher

i feel the winter come

his icy sinews

now in the fire light

the case continues

another night in court

the same old trial

the same old questions asked

the same denial

the shadows closely run

like jury members

i look for answers in

the fire's embers

why was i missing then

that whole december

i give my usual line:

i don't remember

another winter comes

his icy fingers creep

into these bones of mine

these memories never sleep

and all these differences

a cloak i borrow

we kept our distances

why should it follow

i must have loved you

what is the force that binds the stars

i wore this mask to hide my scars

what is the power that pulls the tide

i never could find a place to hide

what moves the earth around the sun

what could i do but run and run and run

afraid to love, afraid to fail

a mast without a sail

the moon's a fingernail and slowly sinking

another day begins and now i'm thinking

that this indifference was my invention

when everything i did sought your attention

you were my compass star

you were my measure

you were a pirate's map

a buried treasure

if this was all correct

the last thing i'd expect

the prosecution rests

it's time that i confess:

i must have loved you

you'll be alright for now

don't you know that i'll be around to guide you

through your weakest moments to leave them behind you

returning nightmares only shadows

we'll cast some light

and you'll be alright

you'll be alright for now

crosses all over heavy on your shoulders

the sirens inside you waiting to step forward

disturbing silence darkens your sight

we'll cast some light

and you'll be alright

you'll be alright for now

crosses all over the boulevard

the streets outside your window overflooded

people staring they know you've been broken

repeatedly reminded by the looks on their faces

ignore them tonight and you'll be alright

we'll cast some light

and you'll be alright

for now

dream on

Everytime that I look in the mirror

All these lines on my face getting clearer

The past is gone

It went by like dust to dawn

Isnt that the way

Everybodys got their dues in life to pay

I know what nobody knows

Where it comes and where it goes

I know its everybodys sin

You got to lose to know how to win

Half my life is in books written pages

Live and learn from fools and from sages

You know its true

All the things come back to you

Sing with me, sing for the years

Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears

Sing with me, if its just for today

Maybe tomorrow you will be taken away

Dream on, dream on

Dream yourself a dream come true

Dream on, dream on

Dream until your dream come true

Dream on, dream on, dream on...

back to the future

Never has there been a more exciting time to be alive, a time of rousing wonder and heroic achievement. As they said in the film Back to the Future: 'Where we're going, we don't need roads.'
I have to share in Ronald Reagan’s sentiments, although I am sure when he made this statement back in the 80’s he had no clue what it was all about. I am sure there was a bit of unrest in him; excitement too – sure; but that unnerving unknown that stretches out in front of us. We have all been there. So I always say – know and understand the season(s) you find yourself in. It just makes it so much easier to overcome the mundane obstacles that await you. Those of us that love the melodramas of life refer to these as the so-called crossroads of your life. But I am sorry, cos if you think about it you face crossroads every day. Don’t you?
I find myself at the end of a season and I am about to go Back to the Future…Think about it for a while. Don’t just read it as if you understand it. Allow it to become reality to your understanding. Cos it can have many meanings. You need to put on a Smarties hat to get your head around it really. Different surrealistic thinking needed at the same time…cos its complex. The complexity of the statement is similar to the complexity of our mere existence. I stand at the end of a period of my life that has come and gone faster than I would ever have thought. None the less it’s true.
I look back with fondness and forward with excitement. They say you should never wish your way through or out of a season for the simple reason – you are suppose to learn something; your suppose to grow and mature. Think of the TV-game the Super Mario Brothers. Why did you have to go into the underground warps? At the time it made no sense what so ever…until you got out on the other side. Isn’t life the same? Some things never make sense at the beginning – only at the end. When the battle is won and the fight is over. In the heat of the battle or struggle it always seems as the worst ever. But afterwards you realize it was just another…another game, another battle, another struggle.
For me my season has been a mixed bag of endless summers, journeys to imaginary places, friendships with unheard-of personalities, only to mention a few. I think the past two years have flashed by so fast that it’s hard to grasp the impact of it all. But it has all been good; top draw; unforgettable. So where am I going? I haven’t figured that one out quite yet…but somewhere where the streets have no names; or even better – where we don’t need roads…

…back to the future.

my neighbour to the north west

the view

gemsbok (oryx) in the desert

the open spaces

skeleton coast

skeleton coast

there is a piece of forgotten earth. it used to be called south western africa but more recently it is known as the country of namibia. my memories of this country goes back many years. we used to go there for winter holidays when i was still a nipper. my dad and his friends would rise early in the mornings before daybreak to get out in the field for the hunt. my brother and i were not even taller than some of those riffles that was in the bakkie with the rest of the gear. but we were needy. we had to carry the gear and between camps jump out to open the gates. none the less it was my first experience of the wild and the open. the rising of the sun in namibia is to my knowledge the best in the world. it is like a red ball of fire coming up out of the earth. the sand and dust acts as a shield and intensifies the redness of the sun. it is simply unbelievable. we would often see leopard tracks in the sand spotted by the tracker. i used to believe that these trackers were like ghosts. being able to smell and sense like animals. their ability to track was incredible for a youngster like me. then there was the quiet and the calm before the kill. the shot going off and the heavy plonk of the animal in the sand and stone. i can still see and smell the gasoline tank. the water tower and the grass trying to grow around the old farmhouse where we used to kick the rugby ball around in the late afternoons. at night there would be a massive fire and a braai where stories and fables would be exchanged. and as a kid everything always sounds bigger and more unbelievable.

to be honest. it has been more than twenty years since i have been back to the farm. i wonder why we stopped going there. i guess we were becoming old enough to learn how to hunt and shoot ourselves and our parents being from the city and all did not think that to be such a good idea. gates and gear. that was our thing but not the kill itself. but now i long for those days of pap en koffie before the daybreak. the burning excitement and the prospect to see another big oryx or kudu being pulled in.

i want to go back there. but also to see more of this country that sucks you in with its simplicity. its silence and never-ending spaces of sand and stone. to trek across the desert to see the infamous skeleton coast and to go and test my sleepingbag in soususvlei. to cross the open country and see the wild. to feel it and allow it to swallow me.

i guess that would be one of my first stops when i go back south one of these days...

wide open spaces

I recently watched a very old movie. It just opened my eyes and made me realise once again what my life is all about. It opened some doors in my mind and cleared out some of the dust that has been collecting on some of my forgotten dreams and ambitions. Have you ever had the experience were a movie makes you “feel”. It opens a world inside of you that you might not have known about up until that point. I watch movies like that all the time. I fact, I search for them. I always feel enriched by movie like that. Especially when you can walk away with a cloud around your mind, wondering and pondering. You put yourself in the shoes or position of the leading man or lady. And your mind starts racing; pacing through the scenes and you imagine and speculate about what your own actions would have been.
The movie plays off in Africa – the Mother of all continents by the way. In fact, in North Africa – thus Egypt, the Sahara and the wide open spaces of the vastness that personifies Africa. Seeing the desert, the endless waves of sand and the sun beating down, it made my heart jump. I could imagine myself flying over the desert in one of those old open airplanes. With a leather helmet strapped around my head and those funny-looking goggles on my face. All to keep the bugs and other unidentified objects from flying up my nose. The sun backing on my face and the wind in my hair. That is where you experience a piece of eternity. Up there in the sky, it feels as if the sun is standing still and the clock has stopped. You are suspended between something and nothing with the forever-ness of the sand beneath you. Up there you gain new perspective. You see a different angle on life; on circumstances and challenges. You get a chance to forget the troubles that clog your mind; that cramps your style; or the worst – that steels your joy.
But that’s what I love about Africa. Its wide open spaces. I think of its deserts; its unspoiled coastlines, the thick and darkness of its jungle and forests; the dancing grasslands of its savannas as the wind gently blows out of the west; its mountaintops and its secluded beaches, hidden away, still to be discovered. It all holds a certain obscurity that draws me towards this mystifying place. But a place none the less where I dare to dream. A place where I feel free to dream. But not just to dream, also to go and discover.
I have a quote written in French on my wall that says:

“Il faut vivre ses rêves, pas les inventer”
(You should live your dreams and not invent them)

There is nothing like the feeling of perpetuity; time without end, eternity – call it what you like. I fear that people don’t spend enough time to stop and enjoy those moments. I fear that people don’t experience those moments at all.
Feel the wind brushing over your skin. Feel the sun on your face. Taste the spray of the salty sea. See the blinding reflection of the desert sand. Find the wide open spaces…and live.

captain courageous take a bow

GRAEME Smith did not take painkillers before heading to the crease in what is being hailed as one of cricket's most courageous acts. The South African skipper revealed he had to be dressed by his teammates before batting in excruciating pain with a broken finger and a troublesome right elbow to try to salvage a draw in an astonishing climax to the SCG Test.

His incredible effort was in vain. Smith felt the jarring pain of 17 balls over 26 minutes before being the last man out, bowled by Mitchell Johnson with just 10 balls remaining in fading light. South Africa's Captain Courageous was in so much pain he was not able to lift the trophy to celebrate his side's historic 2-1 series win. After Australia tasted the relief of a 103-run win, skipper Ricky Ponting headed straight to Smith and told his opposite number it was one of the bravest things he had seen on a sporting field.

"I said that to him after the game," Ponting said. "That showed a lot of courage. That's what every team looks to from their leader." "To show that fighting spirit, to stand up when they are needed, to get out and do a job no matter how sore or tired you might be."
Smith, who had not even brought his cricket whites to the ground, ignored medical advice not to bat. He borrowed Jacques Kallis's shirt and a burger-stained sweater from Paul Harris and chose not to take any pain medication for his broken finger. "I don't think anything would have helped . . . I couldn't have taken an injection in the area anyway," Smith said. "I didn't expect to go out. I think deep inside I didn't really want to go out there. "I had Morne (Morkel) dressing me and putting my shoes on and putting on my pads. I decided I was going to go and give it my best shot, if I got a first-baller at least I tried. "Once we lost a few wickets I decided I was going to go out from about 20 odd overs. "Obviously there was a lot of pain. I was grateful that I never got a knock. "One ball hit the bat and I thought 'That was one out of the way'." Smith wore a reinforced plastic protector for his hand and was only able to put his glove on when he demolished it with scissors. "There was a little protector for the glove and we cut the glove a bit so we could keep the fingers together," he said.

Former Australian spin king Shane Warne could not believe his eyes when his former foe walked to the crease. "It was just unbelievable when he did that. That was just amazing courage to stand there for his team," the Channel 9 commentator said.

in limbo

I can’t help to think of the New Year as a year of being in limbo, stuck between different places and having to travel light. That has been the thoughts that flashed through my mind as I opened my eyes on the morning of the 1st of January 2009. The fact that I had a golf game scheduled for 08.28 on New Year’s morning was probably in hindsight a smart move on my side. It would be the first time in two years that I was going to swing my beautiful Maxfli irons and it was an epic morning out on the greens and fairways, apart from the occasional three putt. But the beauty about the game of golf is that you play against yourself more than in any other sport. And that is my expectation for 2009. The comparisons between the two struck me as I was searching for a bad drive out in the left hand side rough on the second or third hole. This year it was going to be me against myself!

None-the-less, 2009 started with a lot of food for thought on my plate. It is going to be another great year indeed! But the golden thread of self development is always something that I value pretty high and it is going to be a tough year too. But I will never stand back for a challenge. In fact – I treasure it. I guess the big “unknown” factor that scares most people is also something I like to use to my advantage. But once again – not easy. I will have to start of on the front foot to get the momentum swinging in the right direction…just like on the golf course!

My time in France will be coming to a sudden end before I know it and it is something I dread. It has almost been two years now and I am coming around the bend at the 150 meter mark – just before entering the final home straight. It has been an unforgettable time and will form an integral part of my persona. Je suis très heureuse pour passé le dernier deux ans en France. I salute all my professors and friends, people in the cafes and restaurants where I have become a regular. I will slowly but surely start to “pack up my life” before I embark on the new journey for the final stretch of my “three years out” experience.

The “how” and the “where” of what is to follow - I will inform you shortly.